Big Girl Job Eve.

{written on Sunday night, August 11}

As I nursed my son tonight from the corner of his new (and freshly painted) bedroom in our first home, I gave L a pep talk about this week, which is a big one for our little family.

“Mama starts her big girl job tomorrow, Sweet Boy,” I said to him as he nursed. “And you start daycare full-time tomorrow. And that might make you a little nervous or scared, Sweet Boy, but I promise that everything will be alright. You see, God loves us so, so much that he’s provided a wonderful place for you to go to daycare and a wonderful place for Mama to go to work. These places are full of good and caring people, and I just know that you and I will both make so many new friends, and that we will both enjoy going on these new adventures. Even though you may feel a little nervous without Mama, everyone’s going to love to see you walk (yes, that’s right – as soon as our boy stepped foot into our new home, his feet were a-walking – crawling is rare now), and hear you talk. You’re going to love seeing all of the little boys and girls, and doing fun projects, and eating fun things.”

L-Pool

“And guess what?” I said. “You and Mama will be apart for only eight hours, and then we’ll get to be together again! I just know that the days will go so quickly, even though we might miss each other at first. I know that I will miss you, little boy, but I feel so happy that God has provided us with these new adventures.”

* *

That pep talk was more for my benefit than for L’s – I’m sure of it. I know that daycare will be a complete and utter blast for him, after he adjusts – he loves watching little kids play and walk and talk, and I can tell that he’s ready and excited for some more social interaction.

But me? Well, on the eve of starting my big girl job, I’m feeling rather emotional, unsurprisingly. I’m lying here in bed, listening to my family sleep so soundly, and I’m thinking about the past fourteen months. The days that I’ve gotten to wake up to my baby boy’s smiles. The fourteen months that I’ve fed him, changed him, dressed him, entertained him – sure, with help from Jord and from other family members and friends – but largely on my own. It was always L and I during the day, facing the world together. Our days operated like a boy walking along his newspaper route – the same thing every day, but different encounters, different adventures, different variations to the routine, each and every day.

L-Mama

There were naps (oh, the naps – how I will miss the shared naps, the snuggles, the way that his little breaths brushed against my arm as I held him tightly), there were snacks, there were walks in BOB the stroller with Wyatt the dog. There were open-mouth kisses and spontaneous hugs, moos and bow wow wows, walking practice and big boy crawls, and many, many difficult moments that challenged my patience, but never, not once, the depth of my love for L, or the inestimable appreciation I felt for the opportunity to be a mama, his mama, full time.

I’ll never forget those fourteen months, and I know that even as I begin this new adventure tomorrow that I’ll be a little bit heartsick for my days with my Sweet Boy. And I think that’s okay – to feel heartsick, vulnerable, emotional, even as I gear up for what I hope will be a fulfilling teaching career.

What I will say is this: while I can’t wait for the first drawings, paintings or pictures to hang on my fridge, I will feel an eensy bit sad that I wasn’t there to witness the artistic process myself. But that’s part of life, and part of God’s plan for our lives, at least for now. And I feel so blessed to have had fourteen wonderful, challenging, sweet and tender months with my boy, however bittersweet it is to let them go now.

Have you ever felt a bit emotional on the cusp of a new adventure? Are my feelings typical for a mama who is at the end of “maternity leave” or daily life with her baby/babies? Please share in the comments.

{Updates to come on our first home – I promise!}

About Sara

Sara works in higher education, but she's most proud of her role as a Mama to two precocious boys, Lionel Conner, age 4, and Quincy August, age 2. In honor of turning 30 in 2016, she pierced her nose to "keep her young." She loves watching guilty-pleasure television, writing about motherhood, decorating her first home, sipping red wine with her husband Jordan, and chasing after her sons.

5 Responses to Big Girl Job Eve.

  1. Laura Eiesland August 12, 2013 at 6:29 PM #

    Oh and I forgot…. CONGRATS on the great job! You’ll be super!

  2. Laura Eiesland August 12, 2013 at 6:28 PM #

    Awhhh, beautifully written! Prayers coming your way. It gets easier, I guess, but I still wish I was home more with Alex. But you turned out ABSOLUTELY FABULOUS, and so will your precious baby. And yes, I will probably call Alex “my baby” all my life. :)

    • Sara August 13, 2013 at 2:06 AM #

      thanks so much, Aunt Laurie! it’s so helpful to know that other mamas struggle, too – makes me feel not alone!

  3. calmense August 12, 2013 at 4:17 PM #

    You had me tearing up! It is so hard, but take it one day at a time! Thinking of you!!

    • Sara August 13, 2013 at 2:05 AM #

      thanks so much, Valery – knowing that you’ve made the transition from full-time mama to working mama helps me so much!